The Life and Times of Bill E. Bob the Pig

Welcome to Bill E. Bob’s. Let me tell you a little about William Edward Roberts, aka Bill E. Bob. Bill E Bob was born on a small farm down south. His childhood was pretty typical for a hog on a farm back then. Running, playing in the mud and trying not to get caught by the crazy little human kids that chased all the little piglets for some sort of sick thrills. Back in the early days you could be forgiven for not seeing the potential in such an amazing little creature. That all changed one July when it was time for the big annual picnic and BBQ cook-off.

Every year, early in July these crazy humans would get together and make a bunch of noise, eat anything that wasn’t nailed down and shoot load and bright things in the air when the sun went down. This year the big party was on Bill E Bob’s farm. Several of his brothers and sisters were given very special jobs out back of the barn before the big party. Bill E Bob was a little on the smaller side so his humans told him maybe next year he would be part of the big dinner. This did not sit well with little Bill E Bob. Not real bright but never one to back down from a challenge, Bill E Bob started out making his own dinner to serve everyone. Now I’m sure you are thinking this can’t be. How could a little piglet cook food for a bunch of humans? Well, there is one thing I forgot to mention. Seems little Bill E Bob was born with hands, not hoofs.

Bill E Bob grabbed a bowl and a spatula and started making corn bread. He put a little cheddar cheese he got from the cows and some Jalapenos from the garden in there. Just enough honey from his favorite beehive to give it some sweetness and threw it in the oven when no one was looking. That turned out to be what is now know as Bill E Bob’s famous Cheesy Jalapeno Corn Bread. It was an instant hit and everyone was trying to figure out who had made this amazing dish. When little Bill E Bob raised his hand (remember, he has hands, not hoofs) and said, “It was me”, a hush fell over the whole crowd. How could this little piggy has made this? The unfortunate part was that everyone started spitting out the cornbread. While Bill E Bob was a natural on cooking, washing his hands before touching the food was a lesson he was yet to learn.

From that day on two thing were clear. This little pig was something special and then needed to teach him some food handling basics. Bill E Bob moved into the big house, learned to wash and clean. He watched the Farmer’s wife cook in the kitchen and learned everything he could. Months went by and little Bill E Bob got better and better, learning all the while. He was a natural with flavors and it was clear his little corner of the world was just too small for such a big talent. It was time to go to cooking school.

They said no! Actually, I think it was HELL NO! Seems the culinary world was not ready for a cooking pig, even of he had hands. Bill E Bob was so sad but not discouraged. There’s more that one way to poach an egg he thought so he would just have to do it on his own. Reading everything he could, (a talking, cooking pig with hands, of course he can read too) and working as hard as he could he taught himself all the classical techniques. He studied rubs, sauces, baking and of course, BBQ. He even did the unthinkable, he mastered BBQ pork. He would only cook the pigs that were assholes though, he was not an animal. The meaner the pig, the sweeter the meat! Now, it’s time to start sharing everything Bill E Bob was learned and help you cook like a pig